It's In Our Genes Jeans

I've often wondered why it is that men seem to have such little control over their impulses, while women seem to be impervious to carnal desires...unless you're talking about buying shoes, purses, makeup, or shopping in general.

Women really don't understand this phenomenon. They don't realize that we are as the moth...we are drawn to some things, we have no choice in the matter. As the poet said, "like a moth to a flame."

It seems that even in our infancy we are somehow magically drawn to certain things. 

As we grow up, we continue to have this urge...we just have to look.

It seems that the older we get, the more we are affected by certain things.

....

Do you see a trend here?

Guilty as charged. Men are pigs.

Once upon a time, in a land, far, far away...in a land of great corruption, a vile and dangerous land...a land where sneakers were worth more than a human life...a land where people were killed over gold teeth...a land where scuffing a new shoe or getting a bad haircut was reason enough to kill, lived a man named Miguel. Miguel was born and raised in this unholy land, and as a citizen, he too picked up several bad habits. Miguel was not what one would call a model citizen, in fact, one may go so far as to say that Miguel was deplorable...even by the standards set in that unholy land. But Miguel was a survivor. He had learned the art of self preservation and mastered the skills of war. He learned those skills not in a classroom, but while on the receiving end of gunfire and surprise attacks. He had learned as he went, picking up a little here and a little there, fine tuning his skills and learning from his own mistakes. Until he too, was a skilled war veteran, who not only endured attacks, but initiated them as well.

On one such day as he and several of his guerilla fighters were preparing for an attack, they chose an armored personnel carrier that they thought would be just right for the job ==>

It was a white tank model number 1-9-6-5  code name Impala. Miguel had commandeered such vehicles before with great success. He thought that this particular one would be essential for the night's mission. Miguel went to "borrow" this car from an unsuspecting civilian who had no idea that there was even a war going on. It was a quiet war you see. Even with all of the casualties, gunfire and noise...this war had been going on so long that people just got used to it. They no longer heard the helicopters or police sirens. They no longer paid attention to the wailing of the ambulances...or the tumultuous noise all around them. Even the bright lights that flooded the neighborhood throughout the night were no match for the indifference. People not involved in the war just lived their lives and pretended that it didn't exist.

Miguel brought two things with him that day...his screwdriver and his balls...er, um...or perhaps that's three things-no matter, what's important is that the screwdriver was what was needed to commandeer that tank, and he didn't hesitate. But little did he know that this night was going to be full of surprises!

Bright blue lights flooded the rearview mirror. Miguel didn't know how or even when he had been spotted...but there they were. A high speed chase ensued. Miguel knew the neighborhood well, and decided that escaping on foot would be better than trying to lose the uniformed swine, for it was only a matter of time before they called in the ghetto bird and once that happened, the chances of getting away were slim at best. He did some yard hopping and managed to get away. He hid on a rooftop and watched as flashlights waved in the distance. Miguel giggled to himself and was quite pleased with the outcome, convinced that he was out of immediate danger...that is until Miguel heard the noises of Swine commanding and giving orders to a rather large German Shepherd.

Miguel's balls shriveled up and sought comfort deep inside his body, for he knew that this beast was more clever than all of the swine put together! There was no escaping this beast...Miguel's scent was very traceable and it was only a matter of time before this beast found him on the rooftop. Miguel decided that he better keep moving, because his chances of getting away were decreasing as the seconds passed. He tried to jump off of the rooftop, but tripped on some garbage cans, making a huge ruckus. The dog began to bark in excitement. Whether the swine had unintentionally lost control of the beast or if the beast had been let go on purpose, Miguel will never know. What Miguel did know is that though he was swift and agile...the dog was much faster. It didn't take long for the beast to catch up to him. 

A struggle ensued on the ground. In the darkness, Miguel's screams were heard penetrating the silence as strong jaws bit down on his forearm. The pain though unbearable, was also highly motivating...and Miguel's instincts to survive made his balls, which had receded to a happier place, come out in his moment of despair. Miguel reached for his screwdriver and jabbed the beast with all his might. Now, both Miguel and the beast serenaded the streets of Los Angeles with their unique sounds. The beast's whimpers were more penetrating and high pitched, but they didn't completely drown out the soprano-like melodies emanating from Miguel's throat. What harmony these two voices made! It was almost magical. It took great effort and several adrenaline induced thrusts...but in the end, Miguel, though bleeding profusely...managed to say goodbye to the now motionless beast. The concert was over.

Miguel has nothing but respect for this beast. He hopes that this beast forgives him for aerating his beautiful fur coat. It was done out of instinct to survive...not due to any ill will towards the dog. Miguel knows that this dog is in doggie heaven now, resting and enjoying life, surrounded by thousands of freshly painted fire hydrants, and an endless supply of Milkbones. Rest in peace my friend, your memory lives on in my mind...your teeth marks still embedded in my skin...I'll never forget you.

This is a typical scene from many movies. Los Angeles. Translated, it means "The Angels." It's sometimes referred to as the city of angels.  Looking at this picture brings no emotion to me. This is not how I remember Los Angeles. In fact, let me show you another famous location ==>

I can't tell you how many times I've seen movies show the LA river...from Nicolas Cage in Gone in 60 seconds to every other hollywood movie. The lists go on and on. Perhaps people see this and think that Los Angeles would be a great place to grow up. But that's just movies.

I saw Downtown a little different. I saw it in the distance. I grew up in Los Angeles, but not in the Hollywood version. 

It was a bit different growing up on these streets. My walk of fame was a little different. But I'm not complaining, in fact, I don't want to talk of the negative things like drive-bys, stabbings, robbery, drugs and murder. I want to talk about the things that I saw everyday that I found funny and unique. I miss seeing those things sometimes. Here are some examples ==>

-----More Later-----

I'll never understand some people. Sometimes I feel that I'm one of the last people (man) left on this earth that has a clear understanding of what is okay, and what is not acceptable under any circumstance. There is most definitely a line that should never be crossed.

Some of these things are understandably just follies of youth. Though wrong, and sometimes even downright stupid, they can be chalked up to mistakes of inexperience or of an immature mind. Most of the time, we can look back at these things and chuckle as we shake our head and ask ourselves, "What was I thinking?"

But some things are just downright wrong. A normal person, should simply know that some things are just not right. This is where I feel that some people just don't use common sense, morality, or even discretion. This is the stage that young children who really don't know learn from their parents. "Don't eat that gum that someone spit out on the sidewalk." "Don't eat your boogers." etc. I guess that some people just never grew out of that stage.

I want to be clear, that I'm not referring to personal preference like in any of the above pics. Though I may find it wrong or repulsive, I understand that they have to do with taste or likes. But out of all the many things that I consider wrong, there is one that goes way beyond wrong. In fact, I think that there isn't anything worse that one person can do to another. It's this ===>

Trying to, or getting to a friend's woman is unforgivable. No exceptions!

Let me start by apologizing for the half naked woman strutting her stuff, but it's necessary (that's my story/excuse and I'm sticking to it) to illustrate my point.

I was in a termination hearing this morning that involved a guy being charged with sexual harassment. Whenever someone is going to get fired, we get together and discuss it. We go around the room and everyone gives their opinion. Based on this, the employee is either terminated or given some sort of "corrective action" and allowed to keep his or her job.

Without going into too much detail, a guy we shall call "Fred" was walking behind a rather juicy looking coworker in pants two sizes too small. He thought that since she was obviously trying to show off her merchandise, he was allowed to say, "Damn, I'd sure love to have one of those swings in my backyard!"

First off, I have to be honest and say that I thought it funny and rather witty. I had never heard that one before. Of course I can't say that at work...but damnit, I was sure thinking that. "The behavior is inexcusable and Fred should be given corrective action for his rude remark." <== is what I ended up saying. But Miguel thought otherwise. I play the game, you know. Anyway, turns out that because he never actually touched her bootylishousness and kept his grubby paws off her rump altogether, he was allowed to keep his job with a slap on the wrist and a "Final warning."

But this got me thinking...I wish that every woman could be a man for a day and know what it's like to be on the receiving end of someone's flagrant disregard for the male penis. Now, I know that just because a woman is wearing a push-up bra and showing 90% of her funbags and wearing jeans that cut off circulation, that doesn't mean that she wants to hump any random guy...however, being a male...and having a working penis, I have to say that it seems somewhat unfair to subject us to this torture! You women suck!

I think that I'm right in saying that women, in general, though they may appreciate and tolerate-and even giggle at times- never really understand the fine acting skills that my friends Larry, Curly and Moe possessed. To put it bluntly, women just don't appreciate the humor of the Three Stooges. I've had many girlfriends in my lifetime, and even some girl friends who I found to be less than feminine...and yet, never did I meet one who realized the comedic genius of said Stooges.

I love the Three Stooges. I love everything about them. From the walnut crushing noises the nose in the pliers bit made, to the funny noises the fingertips the the eyes made. I love the velcro sound the tearing of Larry's hair had, or the barking Curly made as he ran in place, working himself up for an attack. But do you know what I love the most? I'll tell you. I love the fact that they were willing to shame and degrade themselves in every imaginable way in order to get a chuckle. I mean seriously, do you think they ever turned down a script? No matter how ridiculous, ludicrous, or asinine the story was, they'd submit to it.

Case and point...I have a very good friend nicknamed Shadow. As long as I've known him, he's been the quiet type. I bet if I lump together all of the times I heard him speak in the last 30 years I'd have a conversation that lasted an hour. No joke. He is by no means shy. He's just one of those rare individuals that never say anything just for the sake of speaking. Nothing ever silly or dumb comes out of his mouth. It's as if he thinks really long and hard about everything he says. Because of this, whenever he does speak, everyone listens without interruption. He never wastes words. In fact, his serious nature is somewhat freakish to most people. I've seen people piss themselves after receiving one of Shadow's piercing glares...no words required. But you know what? Get him watching the Three Stooges and you can hear his hearty laugh fill a room. There is even a hint of red in his dark complexion from the laughter. I always found that almost magical.

I've often wondered how many people The Three Stooges actually saved in their lifetime. How many people who were ready to end it all turned on the television and were sucked in to their idiocies long enough to forget their problems and just laugh? How many people who after a long day at work came home and laughed at these grown men acting like complete fools? That has to be worth something! I'm not really a betting man, but I bet they scored some points with the Man Upstairs for their contribution to their fellow man.

I've been working long hours and eating very little and I'm starting to look a little on the wimpy side. So I started going to the gym yesterday. I think that no matter where you go to workout, it's always the same. It's mostly a hook up joint. Very few people actually go to work out. But that's an intire other subject. Here is my point:

Women who work out on a regular basis are far more attractive than those who don't. I know what you're thinking, "Duh, Miguel...that's obvious!"-but that's not what I'm saying. What I mean is, women who work out feel more confident in themselves...and nothing is more attractive to a man than a woman who reeks of confidence. It makes us feel like it's a challenge.

But in working out, some women begin to really like the improvement in their bodies a little too much. Then they begin a gradual transformation that borders on a very fine line ==>

Now, don't get me wrong...you still look good. But you're flirting with danger at this point. In fact, this is the cutoff point for me. Once you get past this point you no longer attract normal men. But a lot of women don't see this! They take it to the next level ==>

Do you know what we see? What is the typical male response to this ==>

 And then then from there it only gets worse ===>

Remember ladies....working out is fine, but there is in fact such a thing as over doing it!

Do you see what I see?

Okay, this is what I see: Yes, it's a Britney Spears  (not photoshop) T-shirt on a woman on another part of the world. Her influence and popularity has transcended borders and ethnicities. We may point fingers and scoff at her recent breakdown and wild behavior. We might even accuse her of corrupting our children who will try and emulate her behavior. As Eccentrique says, we may "hiss and boo" at her for her lack of responsibility as a "role model." But the truth is that television and music shouldn't raise our children. What about us? Why should our children look up to anyone besides their parents? Shouldn't their heroes and people they admire be their parents? How hard do we actually try? Why do we allow our children to look elsewhere for guidance? Shame on us!

It's easy to see faults in other people, especially those who are in the spotlight. What if cameras surrounded us 24 hours a day? What things do we do that others could find fault in? We want our children to be honest and hardworking. But do we lie to them? Do we promise them things only to have them get their hopes up and feel let down? Do we swear and cuss and yet frown and yell the moment one of our children uses one of these words? What do we teach our children by our actions. That is the real question. We as parents have the awesome responsibility to teach and lead our children by example. It shouldn't have to be up to Britney Spears...or anyone else for that matter.

That is what  I see.

1. Jules and Vincent getting robbed in a restaurant. (Pulp Fiction) The reason I like this particular scene is because it shows an important truth. That is, never judge a person by his looks.  You never know who they are, or what they are capable of.

2. Breakfast with the gang (Reservior Dogs) This is hands down, one of the best dialogue scenes in any movie.  Just bullshitting with friends talking about nothing in particular. True to life. In fact Quintin Tarantino is the best at this. "Kill Bill" is close too with the Superman dialogue that David Carradine relates to Beatrix. 

3. Knife scene (Saving Private Ryan) The only realistic portrayal of what getting stabbed is like. The entire movie is this way. Everybody dies. The beginning beach at Normandy scene is the best!

4. Magic Shoes story (Forest Gump) It pulls at your heartstrings and fills you with joy. The music is powerful and the slow motion effect is used very well.

5. You are what you choose to be scene (The Iron Giant) Yes, I know it's a cartoon...but I'm including it anyway. Very powerful message. Great scene!

What are yours???

*********************************UPDATE**************************************

So I was thinking about this yesterday and I decided that I would include some of the worst scenes ever.

1. Punching a snake on the head and rendering it unconscious in order to use it as a trap (by tying the snake's tail to a rope) for the people who are chasing him (Hard Target) Do I even have to explain why this is probably the dumbest scene in all of Van Damme's movies...not that he has good movies, but this was dumb even for him!

----more later!---

So I received a phone call today from an old acquaintance of mine. His name is Luis. His call surprised me because we haven't spoken to each other in over 25 years. To be honest, I had to think real hard to remember why I was mad at him...or rather, why he and I stopped being friends. I do remember.

Our conversation was kind of short, and consisted mostly of him updating me on his life, and me telling him a little about mine. He's married now. He has three kids, but only two are his. He has a decent job and owns a house in the San Fernando Valley. It was good to hear from him, but I found myself being very cautious in what I told him.  I asked how he got my number. It turns out that his wife works for a collection agency and has access to private records somehow. She got him my number. I never realized that it was so easy to get someone's information in this cashless society. What a sobering thought!

The conversation though short, got me thinking about my past. He and I were good friends. We did a lot of things together. We saw each other commit serious crimes. But it wasn't this that got me thinking about past times. I suppose I will briefly relate the story.

Luis loved to live a double life. He liked dancing and partying in civilian circles, that is- clubs, bars, and even house parties. The problem with that is that he was also a gang member, and this made him an easy target. He wasn't the biggest or toughest guy in the world, in fact, he was rather skinny and pretty...very effeminate. He dressed like a civilian and drove a Nissan. But the women really took to him, and he was always more than willing to share his manhood with them.

One day, he asked me and another friend to go with him to a girl's house in Long Beach. It was a gang neighborhood, and he wasn't welcome. He thought that it would be a good idea to take some friends with him in case he ran into any problems. After begging us for a few hours throughout the day, we finally gave in but only on the condition that he bring us back by ten o'clock- as we had important matters to take care of that night.

He agreed, and we went. We put our guns in his trunk once we got to our destination, because the girls there were lame ass civilians who lived in a different world. It was a nice house and we ended up going swimming in their back yard...Adam and Eve style. It was cool. The women asked my friend to go with them to a club later that day. We looked over at him and shook our heads. He just smiled and said, "I can't. I have to take my homies back to Hollywood in a minute."

With that, we stayed in the pool and he went off to do some humping...or so we thought. It wasn't until later that we realized he had left us there while he went out with the girls. What's worse, he left us there with no weapons at all. We had to leave before it got dark, because this was not the best place to be at night. In the end, we stole a car and drove back home but only after being chased by members of an opposing gang. We were lucky and managed to get away, even though we weren't familiar with the streets around there. That was the last time I ever saw him again. He dropped off my gun at a mutual friend's house.

I still don't know what upset me more. It was a lot of different things. Him choosing pussy over friendship. Him leaving us stranded in a place where we could've lost our lives. Him lying to us and probably laughing at us as he danced the night away. Him refusing to deal with the consequences and never coming around again. I don't know, a lot of things.

I've hated him for years. I always swore that I would get even with him if I ever ran into him again. That was over 25 years ago. The funny thing is...and this is my point (FINALLY HUH?)...that I would have probably beat him up or even taken his life back then, for something that I couldn't care less about these days. How weird is that? If I could overlook that now, why couldn't have I done that before? Sometimes, the things we view as so important, are really just trivial in the grand scheme of things. I hope that I learned from this.

Thoughts?