"I'm gonna die mad, still standing there in love with my pride." ~Tupac Amaru Shakur

So, I was commenting on one of my favorite Xanga sites lately and I mentioned something that I had never written about. I thought that it would make a decent post, so here it is.

I'm not trying to sound dramatic, but I almost drown three times a week. No, not because I can't swim, but because of my damn male pride. I swim laps in a huge indoor pool as part of a workout. I go every morning after working all night. It helps me relax, and I sleep better. The problem is that there is a female lifeguard on duty at that time, and as part of her job, she observes all the swimmers. At that time, there are few swimmers. And THAT'S where the problem lies. There always comes a point where a person reaches total exhaustion and has to stop. The problem is that you don't always reach that point at either ends of the pool...sometimes it happens somewhere in between. So, a normal person will just stop and rest, perhaps grab on to the floating ropes that separate the swimming lanes. But I simply don't see that as an option. I CAN'T STOP. Not while she's watching. I have to keep swimming until I reach the end. Now, let me make it clear that I don't find her attractive in the least, but that's not the point. She's a woman and she's watching me. I refuse to stop and have her (in my mind) think that I'm a wuss. That's why I keep going, even though I don't have anything left. And yes, I've come close to drowning several times. I swallowed pool water before swallowing my pride more times that I can count.  Ridiculous? Maybe, but it's true.

I guess that I could blame my foolish male pride on the city streets that raised me. But really, that can't be entirely true. There are plenty of people who grew up in the same place and even under the same circumstances, yet they don't have that flaw.

As I think about that, I realize that there were literally hundreds of times throughout my life that I placed myself in danger rather than have anyone think I was showing weakness. There are things that I wouldn't do for any amount of money, and yet, have done on a dare or challenge...or even just to show that I could. Stupid. I have ruined relationships, lost jobs, and even lost my soul because of it. And though I don't go to the extreme with it as in times past, I still do these little stupid things everyday. I realize it, but apparently I'm unable to control it.

Ah, yes, but there are exceptions. Namely, my kids. There have been times that I made exceptions just so I didn't place my kids in danger. Sometimes, I have swallowed my pride just so they didn't see something I didn't want them to. So I suppose there is till hope for this old bastard. Don't you think?

Can anyone out there relate...or am I the last of my kind?

I received an e-mail recently asking me why I don't go to the Xangateam's website to advertise my posts and get them featured. This person was highly complimentary, and the truth is, I was flattered by the suggestion. My condensed answer was basically that I think if my posts are good enough for somebody to like, then THEY can do that. I have a problem with going to John or Xangateam with , "look at how cool I am!" "This is so cool that it deserves to be picked over the millions of Xanga blogs out there!"

I don't know. Maybe it's a cultural thing. Maybe I'm just a prideful bastard. I never really gave it much thought until now. A lot of old school latinos out there might understand what I mean by "cultural." 

Growing up, my mother would teach us kids that it was rude to be pediches. I don't really know how to translate that. It's one of those idioms that don't translate well. For example, when we went over to someone's house, we were told not to be asking for anything and "acting like we don't feed you at home." Or they would instruct us to politely decline gifts or food at least twice, no matter how hungry we were or how much we wanted something. Besides, in our culture, we insist over and over until you accept. Weird. è

"Would you like some home made beef stew?"

"No thanks." (decline#1)

"Oh, come on, it's really good. It's my mother's recipe."

"No thank you, I ate not too long ago." (decline #2)

"Oh, come on, just a little bit?"

"Thanks but I'm really not that hungry."(decline# 3)

"Here let me just serve you a small portion. You really have to try this."

"Okay." (at this point it's considered proper manners to accept)

Like I said, weird. But that's how we were raised. We don't ask. Besides, most of my posts are just random stuff that I happen to think about. I think my only good writing comes when I happen to be drinking and I don't censor myself. Not drunk exactly, but just enough to be uninhibited. I probably share too much. But those posts always get me positive replies, comments and messages. So I leave them up. Those of you who have been around these parts for a while know what I mean.

And I'm just like everybody else when it comes to enjoying comments and feedback. I get exited when I see my serious writing touch somebody. One of the most rewarding comments I received on Xanga is up on my clipboard. I printed it out and put it up. It reads, "Reading your posts, I've decided I'm finally gonna volunteer at this place I've been ignoring so badly for the past few weeks. It's located in the most poverty-stricken area of this huge city... it's about time I stop being a wuss. Thanks to you, I'm gonna call them up now. They've been waiting for my response, leaving messages and stuff. I know I can make an impact, it's just I'm afraid of something. Don't know what.. but not anymore. Keep blogging. You changed one life already!"

How cool is that? I've collected quite a few of these over the years. Some are comments, some private messages, and some are e-mails. Whenever S.O. gives me the look or rolls her eyes at me when she sees me "wasting my time" on Xanga, I simply point  to my clipboard. It's cool to have an excuse...because truth is...

^^^ I'm a "true" Xangan for "life"...featured or not! ^^^

First off, I'd say that I'd be proud of my accomplishments thus far. Not many people can say that and really mean it. I do. This is not to say that I don't have regrets, because I do. A lot. But looking at my life on the whole, I see that I did make a difference. My life was significant. No, I didn't cure cancer or win a Nobel prize. I didn't make a multimillion dollar record, or ever won a gold metal. I didn't make TIME's man of the year, or win a congressional metal of honor...although I had a gold start placed on my forehead in third grade for drawing a picture of a bunny rabbit. But the way I see it, I gave my all to my family. I loved my children beyond everything else. Let me qualify what I'm saying....

Remember Abraham? Remember what God promised him for his obedience and unselfishness? His reward?

"I will bless thee, and in multiplying I will multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven, and as the sand which is upon the sea shore..."

To me, that puts things in perspective. So, if the great reward from God was to have offspring, then I should realize how blessed I am to have children. And I do.

In that, I have succeeded. I did make a difference. My kids know how much I love them. Not a day goes by without me showing them how much I love them. From playing with them, showing affection, or taking walks with them and listening to what they have to say...they know how special they are to me. And they too, love me. They tell me on their own, everyday. They show me. And that is worth more to me than any award I could possibly win or any other accomplishment.

So, if I were to die tomorrow, and I had a chance to scribble down some words of wisdom, here's what I would say. But wait, this being Xanga...I have to make it interesting as well as have participation from my subscribers...so, if  I only had lyrics from songs to use or to choose from then this is what I'd say:

To my sons: "Promise me son, not to do the things I've done. Walk away from trouble if you can. Now it won't mean you're weak if you turn the other cheek. I hope you're old enough to understand. Son, you don't have to fight to be a man."      Coward of the County ~Kenny Rogers

To my daughter: "If he brings you happiness, then I wish you all the best. It's your happiness that matters most of all. But if he ever breaks your heart...if a teardrop ever starts..I'll be there before the next teardrop falls."    Before The Next Teardrop Falls ~Freddy Fender

What lyrics would you use???