April 8, 2008
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Algun Dia Vas A Pagar Por Tu Maldad, Miguel
I'm guesstimating that the year was around 1985. It happened in North Hollywood, on Whitsett Ave, in between the Saticoy St. split. I was visiting a friend who lived in one of the many apartment complexes in that area. While I was there, there was a certain heavy set lady that managed to climb the rail (that has since been replaced by a high chain-link fence) that was above the170 Freeway overpass, just before the Sherman Way exit. She stepped on the ledge and held on to the rail facing the oncoming traffic as she worked her way to the middle. She was obviously very scared. Before too long there were hundreds of people all outside waiting to see the outcome. She wanted to jump but lost her nerve every time she went to let go. The traffic below kept on moving unmercifully. She cried and wiped tears from her face several times. The scene lasted for a while. During this time, my friends and I had worked our way across the street and were busy telling this lady to stop wasting our time and to jump already! We even threw small rocks at her to give her the extra boost. After torturing this poor woman with our indifference and stupidity for a good ten minutes, we heard sirens getting louder as they approached. A fire engine, ambulance, and several black and whites were coming. This it seemed was her salvation, or her cry for help answered. But unexpectedly, instead of making things better, it gave her the boost she needed to follow through with her conviction. She jumped.
Within a minute, things went back to normal and people went back inside their habitations. It didn't mean a whole lot to me back then. In fact, the incident was forgotten almost immediately. But over twenty years later...I still remember the part I played in this woman's demise. Could I have changed the outcome? Would some words of encouragement, or an extended hand have made a difference? I'll never know. What I do know is that it's a horrible thing to have been a part of. I am deeply ashamed.
Perhaps it's youth, and maybe stupidity...but this is no laughing matter. I cringe when I come across comments or posts about other people "faking" suicide or trying to get attention and traffic to their sites by talking about it. Again, who knows? Maybe. Maybe not. I know that I for one don't want anything else on my conscience. I have enough already. I'll leave it to someone else to learn that lesson for themselves.
Just so you know, it's not an easy thing to live with. Take it from your uncle Migs.
**Perhaps I didn't make myself clear. What I'm saying is that we shouldn't judge other people's sincerity when it comes to that subject. Why take the chance? Who are we to say what's true?
Comments (31)
Goddamn!
Getting attention by faking a suicide post is lame. Specifically 'cuz it's the internet.
What an awful thing to do. People who stand around and watch like that disgust me. I feel for that poor lady. It's good that you feel sorry for your part in it, shows you have a conscience.
Coño hombre, esa era mi tia!
No mentira . . . estoy jodiendo contigo.
I think it was definitely youth, and maybe stupidity, compounded by the surroundings in which you grew up . . . nothing can really excuse, you can only learn from your behavior, try to forgive yourself . . .oh, and don't do it again.
Faking suicide to get hits/props is just wrong . . . nonetheless, I think even just faking it is a form of calling out for help. Seriously talking and contemplating it is a whole different thing that should never go ignored.
even if they are faking, it is still a cry for help.
That is something rough to live with.
jesus christ, miguel. that would eat at me for the rest of my life. i don't think i could do that to someone. your cruelty back then, apparently knew no bounds. but it is that you can change, dear man, that makes this world worth living in.
As much as people may want to take suicidal ideations seriously I can see why often they don't. Attempting or actually being "successful" at (I always laugh at that) suicide is pretty rare. But I think the worst thing you can do is tell someone not to worry and belittle their problems. I agree that no one is to judge, no one is to blame, but everyone can help.. you never know what you can do for someone. You can't change your past, but at least today you've learned and are wiser from your mistakes. That's more than a lot of people can say for themselves.
I knew what you meant.
But, trying to get eprops by doing a last moment to get xanga famous is still lame. I'm talking about the intent of doing that.
User has whispered to xcholo4u ...
We read about that in psych class last year...Weird.
Anyone who fakes a suicide needs a swift kick in the balls.
The stupidity of immaturity and the regrets that come when we grow up. Yeah I think I understand
You're obviously not the same person you were then. A repentent heart is forgiven. Let that experience help you to become everything you weren't then...not keep you down with feelings of guilt. You're a very special person through eyes that have only known you through what you write here.
your convictions about your past really amaze me sometimes. though im sure it's therepudic and at the same time agonizing, the fact that you admit to feeling shame is impressive. there was a shooting in the area this weekend where a gang banger killed the star football player at our high school. what was once a quiet desert town, is now becoming the relocating place for people who want out of LA and want to "get away from it all".. unfortunately they bring their problems with them because obviously they are never solved by moving away. Look at you. Still haunted by your past but at least, unlike these guys, you arent still living in it. props to you miguel. it takes some kind of man to be able to admit he is sorry for things he has done. i cant help but wonder if the gang members who killed this boy will ever feel bad for the life they ended on Saturday. Im sure right now as they sit in west valley awaiting their fate they are sorry.. but not truely.i believe you truely are.
I saw that "down the highway" picture while I tried to eat a piece of garlic bread.. uugghh
The fact that at this stage of your life you are making an effort to right some of the wrongs of your youth, even within your own mind, is sign enough that you are not the same person.
My first reaction was something like Squeaks... (((HUGS)))
In high school one of my friends would try to commit suicide like every night. He would slit his wrists (except the wrong way). We would have to talk him out of killing himself. A part of me would be like "kill yourself already!" I always felt like a horrible person for thinking this. Eventually he found some self esteem. I don't know if it was because he got a girlfriend or if it was because our frantic late night conversations finally sunk in.
If everyone could acknowledge their past mistakes the way you just did, this world wouldn't be quite so f-ed up.
My brother's friend has attempted suicide multiple times. She is currently in the hospital, having admitted to harboring intentions of suicide. It's most definitely a serious enough threat, even if it is idle and only a cry for help, to take seriously every time. The most painful punishment of our past mistakes is our conscience. You pay for your wrongs everyday, because they weigh so heavily on you. It scares me to think of everything you have gone through, and of the burden you carry because of it. But we are lucky, God is more forgiving of us than we could ever be, maybe it's best we don't know how He works. You are not alone, and you never will be.
I can understand your guilt and remorse. It doesn't mean you're damned, Miguel. Someday you'll find out I'm right. You have a new heart, my friend.
I used to say if a person wants to kill themselves, if they are really serious about it, they won't just talk about it, they'll just do it. Today I realize that while they may not be serious about killing themselves, the cry for help should be taken seriously because something is obviously wrong with them mentally or emotionally.
A permanent solution to a temporary problem is never wise.
Uncle Migs? Ha!
I agree with you, and I feel the same way on here when someone says they are ill, or have been in an accident. Who am I to doubt them...ya know?
Happy Thursday, Miguel!!!
I agree with you. If attention is all they need, then I'll give them that attention.
That is a burden and a heavy one to carry,I have things that I am ashamed of too,times I was cruel and unkind ,I kow that in order for me to move on I must lay those burdens down,I can not continue under the weight of them.I thank god that he gave me a place to cast my burdens lest I end up hopeless.
Why do you always block me?
Catdaddy is probably the best name for whiskey I've ever heard.
I'm tempted to do an entire post on suicide, being somewhat familiar with the subject of depression. Meanwhile, I concur with those who tell you that your repentant heart is taken very seriously by God, and by those of us who respect you. I admire the heck out of you...and the Miguel I admire is obviously the man you've BECOME, not the person you were back then.
I have not been reading your blog long but the person you described in this post is not the impression of the person I see here now. Kudos to you. I too have things that I did in the past that lay heavy on my heart. But for me, what matters are the choices I make today and how I handle those experiences and learn from them. I always seem to learn the hard way.
can we judge the sincerity of the cat who proclaims he only wants to play with the mouse? cause i'm still want to judge sincerity somehow. ya know.
Ugh I'm going through a slow, painful Miguel withdrawl. I miss your frequent updates my subs page is so empty.
I was raised to be a good and decent person. I would like to think that my parents did a good job and that I have never participated in acts that have caused longterm pain or contributed to someone wanting to harm themselves. That would sadly be deluding myself, while I was much better than most of the kids I was in school with, I have to say that by the standards that I hold myself to as an adult I was a rotten little prick. Sure I was always respectful to adults as young man but wasn't above participating in the torment of someone that I didn't like without any regard for the effects it would have emotionally and or physically on that persons well being. It wasn't for lack of empathy, I knew that they would feel bad it was just ignorance.
I AM MISSING YOU.
What you did was horrible, but the man you've become is a miracle.
Woody
The whole emo fad that took my school years by the reigns made everyone love and hate suicide. It seemed like anyone "cool" had the potential to end their life at any moment, and that was a fashion statement. Myself and my friends never took it seriously since everyone was all talk.
There were two people I know who actually got close never said a word about it before hand. The one who did "succeed" was probably the sweetest girl anyone would ever meet (and I'm not just saying that in respect). Quiet, bookish, loved everyone, would do anything for her friends type of girl. Then she went missing a few months ago, and a week later they found her in a creek bed, stomach full of a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of pills. No one, not her best friends, not her sisters, no one saw it coming.
The second... fuckin' a. This guy had a thing for me all through high school and beyond. He stormed in on my boyfriend and I once while we were getting intimate and beat the hell out of him. A few days later I was sitting at a bar in Reno (convenient!) when I get a call from him in the hospital saying he'd tried to kill myself because he didn't like my BOYFRIEND and I's relationship. The rest of that vacation was not a sober one. Sure the guy was a total dipshit, but if he had actually killed himself that would ride my conscience for the rest of my life. What was worse is that I felt so selfish wanting him to live since then I wouldn't be responsible for his death.
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