November 18, 2007
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Put Your Hood Away, Miguel!
Although it happened several years ago, I remember the incident clearly. It was the day I taught my then five-year-old son about racism. Jumping into our car after school he pointed out a classmate and announced, "I don’t like him." He was pointing at the only African American boy standing outside. I responded that he should never judge someone on the basis of his or her skin color. He looked at me with wide eyes and I could tell I had his attention. I spent the rest of the short drive home explaining how everyone is different, why it was important to be nice to everyone, to include them and so on. It is rare to keep a five year old’s attention for so long. I was feeling quite proud of myself that his intent gaze never strayed. As we pulled into the driveway, I somewhat smugly asked, "Do you understand what papa is trying to say?" He stated with some amazement, "I didn’t know his skin was different; I didn’t like him because he spit on me at lunch." I was stunned. I pictured the next day my little boy at school would be telling all of his classmates that this little boy was different. I had planted the first seeds of racism in my young son's mind. I believe the incident stays fresh in my mind because it forced me to question my beliefs. Could I be a racist?
I think that when we hear that word racist, our minds instantly evoke images of burning crosses and hoods...certainly not us. We never see ourselves as racist. Well, at least I don't. I can't speak for anyone else...I'm assuming it's that way for others. But then, I ask myself honestly...do I think I'm better than somebody else?
For years I felt hated by people of other races, and I returned that hatred. They were cruel when I was younger and still weak. I endured cruelty from adults as well as children. Years later, I was no longer the prey...I had become the predator. And I made sure that I made up for everything I was subjected to. But in doing so, I had become what made me. The day I realized it, I made an effort to change my way of thinking, and have tried to be a good person. I try and judge people by who they are and not by their ethnicity or skin color. I can honestly say though that I still have room for improvement!
When I had children of my own, times were different. Overt racism was something of the past. Schools were much more diversified these days. There were even ESL (English as a Second Language) classes offered to help children from other cultures learn to speak English. Teachers were no longer allowed to hit or spank students...or make them wash their mouths out with soap for speaking Spanish. I'm sure that my kids have experienced racism in one form or another, I'd be a fool to think otherwise. We are all just human after all. Nevertheless, it doesn't compare to my experiences. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. We shall see.
THOUGHTS?
This is a spoof of John Singleton's "Boyz N The Hood" movie. Bernie Mac is such a funny dude!
Comments (57)
oh, miguel, miguel... you should have asked WHY he disliked this boy so! this is a sad story, but it is funny at the same time. ya know? funny like, it makes ya think. you're a good papa, though.
i have to agree with porcupinesol.. it wouldve been more justified to ask the kid why he didnt like the other kid...
i do find your son's response ironic, after your seemingly well-received talk on the racy subject... up until that point, he probably had no idea there was such a thing as race, which would mean that your assessment about sowing the seeds of racism is accurate...
but its not a problem, because there is a difference between racist and racially discriminant... its a racist observation that oriental folk have "slanty" or "squinty" eyes... its just a fact... does it mean that oriental folk are any different in society, because of their trademark eyelids? no, theyre still homosapiens, still as equally human-being as the rest of us... now, in australia, it is common to find australian aboriginals to be "dolle bludgers" (people who rip off the welfare system) and alcoholics... that is also a racist observation, because auzzie aboriginals are a race... doesnt mean all aboriginals are drunks and bludgers, but its still a racist observation, and very true...
racially discriminant would be... oh, lets see: nazi germany, apartheid, triple K, suni muslims, darfur massacre instigators, etc... basically any person or group who discriminates based on race, or thinks their race is superior to another...
now, if one were to think of oriental folk as inferior in some way, because of their eyelids or other trademark oriental features, that would be racially discriminant... furthermore, to treat all aboriginals like drunks and thieves, because a good portion of the population are, that would also be racially discriminant (actually, the auzzie aboriginal story goes back pretty far)...
and black folk (of african/indian/etc descent) getting all up in arms every time a white person says "nigger" is ALSO racially discriminant on the black folk's part...
those are my thoughts...
the commented above lost me with the last point about black people being discriminants when white people say the word "nigger."
If some white person called me a chick, I'd be offended to a certain extent.
Anyways, this might sound cliche, but we are all a little racist even when we think we're not. Maybe not you per we, but im know I won't feel safe walking through the projects at night even though I've lived in the projects for quite sometime in my life.
-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Kids are awesome. I love getting inside their heads. I can't remember when I noticed differences like that, but I'm sure I was older than 5.
Racism isn't necessarily skin color, either. Ignorance is ignorance. In my personal experience, in Canada, there is more hatred to people from the US than a person of a different ethnicity or skin color. I know because I've met some pretty nasty people that asked ignorant questions or mocked my accent. It was an eye-opener. Being white, I never felt much oppression in WI. But having the tables turned, to have someone make fun of you because of your heritage, it stings. I never teased kids in school for these things as I was teased myself, but I had a first-hand look at what victims of racism endure.
Racism is a weird thing. I think the first step in making things right is making that effort not to judge people by their skin color, but even after that, there's the fact that we still notice skin color as a factor. There's a guy who works at the gym I go to who has pretty dark skin and lots of tattoos. I don't think anything negative or positive really about that. I have, however, spent a lot of time kind of trying to figure out his background. His tattoos are what I would generally consider hispanic rather than african american... and then I think... why the hell does it matter? I've never even talked to the guy long enough to know if he has an accent. He's just a guy who swipes my card at the gym. I don't think that much about the backgrounds of random white people who work there. I haven't figured out if it's racism or just curiosity that makes me think so much about his origins. I guess what matters most is that we're at least trying to make things right. It's just hard sometimes to know what right is.
I do have to be careful of my wrists lol. I started sewing so much to keep myself from smoking cigarettes. I have to keep my hands busy to keep from temptation lol
ryc- thanks for the compliment on the ornaments
Aw hell naw! Spittin' be fightin' words...in a nasty saliva projectile. I get your son for not likin' the kid.
But when I was growing up, I lived in poor, ghetto apartment complexes or domestic abuse shelters. I witnessed different colored skin boys and girls have multiple emotions as my own. I just never really saw the difference...other than skin color.
RYC: That is true. I do have a bic, but I just couldn't find it at the time.
It's not clear to me how you planted seeds of racism in your son's mind. You made him aware, apparently, of a difference in skin color. But when you learned that the black kid had spit on your son, you never suggested that he had spit on him BECAUSE of his skin color. Maybe I'm naive, but I don't see any great harm done.
Man, don't even get me started.
Also, I think it's hilarious that Jigg said "chick", not "chink".
User has whispered to xcholo4u ...
Man, I've been lazier than usual lately with posting. I get on protected and post a whiny little peice of faggy emowang bullshit now and then, but for the most part, my blog has gone tits-up, brother Miguel.
Remember me as I was! heh.
I think everyone is prejudice to an extent, whether they admit it or not. And it doesnt just have to do with ethnicity or skin color.
I'm race conscious, I guess. I try not to act on it, but I'm definitely not religiously tolerant.
I guess everyone has seen 'Crash' by now - if not make an effort - great vehicle for showing the predjudice in every soul...
I honestly don't think that kids see color the way we as adults do. We know all of the stereotypes/stigmas. We've heard it all before, and we automatically assume that that's how people are judged. It's sad, but a true eye opener.
I am inclined to agree with John when he said he wasn't sure if you planted the seeds of racism. I think it is silly to ignore race as silly as it is to ignore the differences between men and women. They just exist. I think the fight we all share is to not let that make us prejudge people.
RYC: I almost forgot. Jessica Alba was my choice too. I love the consistency of your answers with hot women.
i remember taking esl/eld classes in elementary.
it wasn't anything bad in the neighborhood i grew up in.
because about 80% of the students spoke english as a second language.
times are a-changing. slowly, but surely.
I agree with John too. You learn as you go,and you are a good Papi.
I think we all have a deep seated instinct that wants us to be leary of that which is unfamiliar too us and that is part of what still fuels the feelings of mistrust (for lack of a better words) that fuel racism. Yes, we have evolved as a society and racism has become a lot less overt and certainly less tolerated and we have learned to embrace things that are new or "alien" to us however, we aren't all the way there yet.
I grew up in a family where my grandmother taught us from a young age that "we don't see color in this family, you judge people on character and nothing else" (she was way ahead of her time) and I believe that to this day. However, I like you am not perfect and I sometimes catch myself thinking that someone did something to wrong me and that is typical pick a derisive ethnic pronoun behavior and it really fucks with me because that is not who I am.
There is no doubt that racism surely still exists, and racial sterotyping as well. We have come a long way from when shows like, "All in the Family" were on primetime, and we heard Archie being blatantly racist in each and every episode. However, we still have a long way to go.
I do not think your response was racist. I do however think it was prejudiced. There is a difference. I do not believe, perhaps naively, that the majority of people are racist. I do believe though that most people bear prejudice.
Wow...this is amazing. The very same thing happened to Middle Daughter and Miss Hannah.
I do believe that on someone level we all harbor racist thoughts. I'm just as guilty as the next guy on making "beaner" jokes or pointing out that I am the "token" black at this school, or even telling people "they are white, they wouldn't understand." Now, I say all of this in good fun because I love my beaner husband, my cool caucasian friends and being the token isn't necessarily a bad thing (I can get away with a lot!). But whether is ageism, lookism, classism, racism, socialism, we all in one shape or another have our own form of prejudice that we hold.
Goddammit...that's how you spell "ese"!! That was bothering the shit out of me while I was writing it.
My first thought was that the kid must have done something to make him not like him. Children learn way more by example than you ever think about. Not thinking about the talk you had with him...what example have you set?
As long as you don't mess up the 'sex talk', you're good.
*Sigh* another post I missed...
I think we all grow up have our own personal prejudices, whether we are taught differently or not by our parents. Those prejudices don't always have to be racial. Then again, I grew up in a very prejudice environment and I was really aware of how sick and wrong it was - it disgusted me. So, I don't think you did any damage by pointing out the difference in skin color. You're right, I'm sure by now your kids have run across some kind of prejudice, and they will figure out on their own with their good brains and good hearts that those who treat them differently because of their skin or ancestry are just ignorant assholes.
thanks for your input..helps to hear it from the guys perspective sometimes. : )
Kids see inside of people more than outside. We are taught to see differences by example. Slowly we lose the spiritual and become distracted with the material. Just my observation growing up in a crazy world. 5 stars for your awesome page.
Thank you.
Good friends like you.
I hope your having a wonderful Thanksgiving! Eat some good bird for me, and if the mood strikes you, you could always email me some turkey.
Um...you can fit turkey in a standard attachment, right?
It's a great story.
I've always been surprised to find that small children have little understanding of race. It's when they get older that they start to see color.
Where I work, all the kindergarteners play with each other without a second thought to race. It wasn't like that when I was a child, so it's a very touching sight.
Happy Thanksgiving...
Dragonskyr thought is was funny that Jagg put chick instead of chink, My husband is of asian descent and alot of people call him ma'am or lady.. As a couple we have been accused of making out with our lesbian partner because we kissed in public. hmmm.
Happy Thanksgiving, Miguel!
Happy Thanksgiving Miguel...
In linguistic we were taught that children don't "know" what racism is, since at that age our mind can't process the concept. But your son's answer was pretty anticlimactic. I was made fun of for being Chinese in a predominantly African American and Hispanic elementary school, but at that time I couldn't really understand it...so I never retaliated.
Racism is a messy issue. We'll always be aware of someone's skin color, because that's the first thing we see. And because we notice color, we can't help but be aware of the stereotypes we learned growing up. At the same time, completely disregarding color and ignoring it isn't the right answer either. Ever since taking Asian American studies, I find myself being extra aware of these issues. It can get pretty overwhelming.
Happy Thanksgiving!
HA. must be my luck then.
when i got ahold of him, christopher was a virgin, and now simon. which is ... well, less of a positive attribute now that i've lost my own virginity.
Happy Thanksgiving to you too, sir...
And as far as the racism bit goes...I don't think educating your kid about what the world is like is making him racist...
We're all prejudiced to a certain extent...as humans, it's what we do to cope with the fact that we need to be able to categorize life into easy to understand (but mostly ignorant) categories...
ryc: I bet you're a riot to drink with
How did I miss this post by the way? I always check for updates. You're so sneaky. The best part of your whole post (in my mind) is the first line in the second paragraph, "...when we hear that word racist, our minds instantly evoke images of burning crosses and hoods...certainly not us." Brilliant and startlingly true; when we think of things like racism, sexism, or homophobia we envision the extreme situations, the absolute worst of the worst. As long as we're not doing something so deplorable as totally ostrasizing or killing those people, what we do must be normal and justifiable, even. Discrimination is not a black or white issue, and there is not a shred of doubt in my mind that on all levels I'm guilty having views that fall somewhere in that overlooked, messy grey.
That was a great blog. It made me both happy (it was funny the way you wrote how you look at things one way and your kid another) and very sad. I am white and Welsh. I live in the Caribbean. My son is white, blond hair and green eyes. Well, to Americans he's black as his father is black and what he looks like is completely irrelevant. They do not treat him like me or like his white friends at all, they tend to go out of their way to be really nice to him in a condescending way as they look closely to see what features might actually be non-white (his hair is madly curly, but so is mine). To the locals who are black, he is just local and his colour isn't relevant. To the local whites, some think my son is "different" and some don't. Those who think he is different don't invite him to parties or even playdates. My stepsons are great big rastas. One has locks and one has braids, they are handsome lads, clean, well-dressed occasionally and very pleasant fellas. You wouldn't believe the number of (American) whites who treat them with absolute fear. Local whites generally don't pay any mind to them in much the same way as people anywhere with other adults. Me - well I married a black man so even though we aren't together I haven't been invited anywhere white for endless years, just in case I brought him. All of us girls in mixed relationships have to stick together. I'm Jewish, but that's another story.......
What I'm saying in this badly-written comment on your brilliantly-written blog is that some people are overtly racist but the sins of showing fear without any provocation which is hurtful and the sins of omission , "I'm not racist at all, but I just don't ever invite anyone who isn't white from my son's class to our home because...." Who would say that? But that is racism.
That video is funny, I saw the original the other day and it wasn't
Did you see the movie CRASH? Your story is a perfect example of the point they were trying to make in the movie. There are people who SEEM, obviously, racist, who might just turn out to be more open-minded than the person who goes out of their way to prove that they are NOT racist. If you haven't seen it, rent it! It's a good one.
Dude, that was fuckin' hilarious.
you should have asked why he didn't like him. i have learned to never assume anything and to always ask questions.
i don't think of myself as racist. my actions in college as a supervisor over security for 2 dorms proved that i am not racist. i always try to have an open mind.
Your post is thought provoking and one I have though of many times over the course of raising my kids. My oldest is now 19 and I remember the first time she saw an african american in the grocery store or at least the first time she noticed a dif. She was 2 or 3. She looked at him and said "How come you are so dark?" I was mortified and he could see it on my face. He looked at me and smiled - he was an older gentleman and said to her "Because that is the way God made me." My daughter accepted that and then just started chit chatting with him. He winked at me and communicated so much more than I was expecting. I gave him a huge smile. Racism is def based on fear. The funny thing is - color is beautiful and yet we of all races still look at each other and fear the difference. Even if it is in the smallest of ways. I do not consider myself prejudice but I have been in situations where I was afraid just because of a persons skin color. I will admit that. I learned to do the same thing in those situations I would in any other. Look at the PERSON, smile, and say hello. Quite often a nice conversation was started.
RYC - Thanks for your comment on love. I think you are exactly right and that is what I am beginning to learn about my guy. He is committed and in love and just expresses it differently than I think he should. I told him I would start having more faith in us and pay more attention to things he does than things he says. We are growing.
I know racism is still alive n the redneck community I live in even thougthey call themselves christians.......I have seen racism first hand when I took Cousin Shirley out and the people in Alabama didnt want to serve her cause she was black............I like Shirley and even though our skin is a different color it doesnt make her a less likeable person or a person to dismiss because of color.....
You rock Miguel...........
If you sendy me your address I would like to sendy thee a christmasy card.....
ryc: you're pulling that infuriating "i'm ancient and you're a child" crap too often again, and it's getting tiresome. if you ask my mom, she'd be the first to admit she (and us kids, i'll admit) got in the way of everything dad could have been in life.
But I really wasn't talking about masturbation. If Dan need more than I have, or I am not around, have fun. But if he exhausts himself, and a lot of men are doing just that, we have a real problem.
ryc: The girlfriend thing is on his other blog. But actually, I didn't use psychology, just a lot of logic and a lot of really sharp counter-arguments.
I suppose some of it could be consider psychology...but whatever. I kicked his dumb ass.
Yeah, that's from Don't Be a Menace (etc etc, the title is long)
Migz...post.
hey, i heard that fox is going to have a reality show on sometime where they will be looking for the next "Elvira".
Frankly, I think you probably did make him aware of the difference between himself and the boy. But you did mean well, and at least now hopefully he'll treat that difference the right way.
No one ever likes to think of themselves as racist, particularly when they actually are. In fact I think that is something that people do far too much now... too quick to say something isn't racist when it clearly is. It's so sad that we have to teach our kids about this stuff, that people will hate them for something they can't control like their facial features of the color of their skin. But it's out there. And its important to teach them not to repeat the cycle of hate.
I hope you update again soon!
I remember the first time I ever saw a black man close up. I was four years old and we were on a subway in D.C. I was curious, I didn't want to hurt is feelings... I asked him "Why does your skin look like that?" He replied with "God made me that way, he makes us all different and we are all beautiful." I said "Oh, OK." My mother was quite embarrassed that I has said anything about it and she apologized to the man. The man didn't care though. I think that the experience I had on that subway had changed my life and helped me view race differently than most.
But no, I don't think you are racist. I think that you jumped to your conclusion about what your son was thinking because you know you have had thoughts like that... and you didn't want him to think like you had or did. It's a natural parenting device.
BTW, I mentioned you in my post and will be mentioning you further in the next one *smiles*
Amigo, you be mighty quiet lately!
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